That's The Way It Happened

TTWIH is Moving!

2006-07-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

By tomorrow morning there should be a new address for That’s The Way It Happened. All you’re going to have to do is visit this site to get the link and/or be forwarded on. Depends on how nice TTWIH is feeling. Man it’s going to be awesome at the new place. It’s got room for a pool table and a Jacuzzi. We’ll throw some totally rad parties.

Sean Connery Burns Down James Bond Set

2006-07-31T09:54:00.000-07:00

The planned shooting of a few final scenes for the most recent James Bond movie, Casino Royale, was halted when the set was hit by Scottish Lightning.

There were grumblings all over the film community that Daniel Craig wasn’t a “real 007.” His weekly pedicures and appearance in the ghastly Laura Croft movie are cited as iron clad reason. While nerds around the world have been voicing their complaints for months today marks the first action of a former Bond against the current one.

Late last night Sean Connery donned a tuxedo and infiltrated the tight security of Pinewood Studios. Connery scaled a concrete wall using a grappling hook built into his sunglasses. Upon being spotted by a female guard he seduced the guard, made love to her in a broom closet and then snuck on to the set. After placing incendiary charges on the set’s hydraulic valves the actor made his escape. Dodging bullets, trained killer bats and guard dogs Connery climbed over the fence just as the set exploded into a fireball of Michael Bay proportions.

Asked for a comment Connery brogued, “I stood by when they gave the part to Roger Moore. I didn’t say anything when Timothy Dalton butchered the role. Pierce Brosnan I didn’t mind too much. But this is the last straw. They’ll rue the day they crossed me!”

Lindsay Lohan, Future Oscar Winner.

2006-07-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

The other day Lindsay Lohan collapsed after “partying” all night. The official report from her publicist was “dehydration.” But no one’s buying that. Most bloggers are jumping to the conclusion that Lohan had drank too much or had done too many drugs some of these claims supported by so called "evidence." But most bloggers don’t have the inside track like TTWIH.

Lindsay Lohan collapsed after preparing herself too hard for her narcoleptic character in the upcoming film Eyelids. Lohan has gone so far inside the character’s head during her pre-production preparation that she herself has become narcoleptic and collapsed after falling asleep while standing up. Such dedication to the craft of acting hasn’t been seen since Marlon Brando cut off his right leg to play a one legged pirate in Torrent of the Seas.

But an Oscar? What an audacious claim! The same Lindsay Lohan who winked at us in the posters for Just My Luck and Herbie: Fully Loaded, the same Lohan who wears her sunglasses regardless of the location of the sun has grown up into the Vivian Leigh of her generation. Maybe she won’t win in 2007 or 2008 but has virtually guaranteed herself a win some day by proving herself the most dedicated actress in Hollywood.

Lohan’s acting coach, Howard Fine, has said Lohan is “truly brilliant and gifted. Besides being one of the most ferociously hardworking actresses around Lohan is blessed with subtlety in her work. Dedication and subtlety. My lord, what heights will she climb to? You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

When she wins she should thank TTWIH for believing in her even when no one else did. Also once she’s reached that plateau in her career Lohan should look into updating her IMDb photo from 1997.

Hey Kids, Let's Rhyme: Lance Bass Takes it in the….

2006-07-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

Ahem!

Today a completely un-shocked world heard the news, Lance Bass is gay. The *NSync singer has long been known to be gay in Hollywood gossip circles but at his own wishes the news wasn’t widely circulated. This is more common than people realize. Only when a celebrity publicly comes out does the very sensitive media disseminate the information (any time you’re ready Harrison Ford).

The signs were around for all who cared to look. In the very first *Nsync publicity literature the singers were introduced as Timberlake: the pretty one, Fatone: the one with an unfortunate last name, Bass: the one most likely to have Cher on his iPod. What shocked the entire Hollywood community is how incredibly arrogant Bass has been about his coming out.

Bass said in his interview with People, “I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys' careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything," Asked for a comment Justin Timberlake remarked, “Oh please. If my shoelace came untied tomorrow it would bump Bass right off the front page.”

His complete arrogance is also evident in the article when he is referred to as a “onetime heartthrob.” Research indicates that Bass was indeed a heartthrob only one time in his career. Fan Lisa Brady, then 14, was at an *Nsync concert in 1999 and was intoxicated from the rum and coke that a perverted older man had handed her in an unsuccessful attempt at seduction. She gazed upon the stage and remarked, “Hey how come no one ever likes Lance. He’s kinda cute.” She then proceeded to throw up all over her brand new pair of shoes.

A big to-do has been made over the fact that Bass is developing a sitcom in which he’ll be playing a gay character. A top level producer had this to say, “First, everyone has something in development. My gardener doesn’t speak a word of English but he’s got a script that Fox is holding onto. Second, no one wanted to see him when he was in the hottest boy band on Earth. How’s he going to sell this project now that he’s already alienated all those Bush voters?”

Asked if and when he will have a commitment ceremony with boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl the singer answered, “We may and we may not. I hesitate to answer that now because the whole thing might be so shocking that the continent of Africa might sink into the sea. So I’ll wait on making an announcement either way.”

Colin Farrell to Swear Off Loose Women

2006-07-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

That is, if he listens to self-proclaimed relationship expert Ilse Schwartz. After a recent altercation with ex-lover/el polo loco Dessarae Bradford Schwartz is begging Farrell to stay away from crazy women if he wants to find happiness.

Recently Colin Farrell’s publicity tour for his new film Miami Vice (adapted from the Universal Studios stunt show of the same name) has taken a sinister turn. Somehow Farrell got mixed up with Bradford and legal troubles have followed. Bradford is an ex-phone sex operator/model who has claimed she had a relationship with Farrell and now he’s stalking her. Farrell denies everything from their relationship to even knowing how to properly spell Bradford’s first name.

“It’s really not important if the boy had relations with this girl. He’s just asking for trouble running around the way he is,” Isle Schwartz shared with TTWIH. “He’s a very good looking boy. He’s got a tush you could roll kreplach on but he’s got it into his head that he should be going after these fast and loose women. I’ve seen more relationships fail in my day because the man was interested in nothing but what was between his legs. Colin has to show he’s different.”

In her years working at her husband’s restaurant Schwartz has seen hundreds of couples fall in and out of love right before her eyes. She reaches deep into these years of experience to help Farrell find true happiness. “First, he’s got to stop with the drinking all the time. My cousin Sheryl’s husband drinks and the man can hardly hold down a job. He’s a useless bum. If he didn’t come from money she’d be out on the street. Second, he’s got to find himself a nice steady girl. Someone like my daughter. She’s pretty, she has a bachelors from UCLA and she hardly ever gives her mother any grief. So she can’t cook, what’s the big deal? She knows lots of great restaurants. They’re perfect for each other.”

Asked if she would have any reservations about fixing her daughter up with one of Hollywood’s most notorious womanizers and partiers Schwartz said, “Well, he’s not Jewish. But no one’s perfect.”

Jon Stewart is a FAKE!

2006-07-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

Another hard hitting in-depth undercover investigation by the resident TTWIH chameleon has uncovered a shocking fact: Daily Show host Jon Stewart is a fraud, a phony and a flim-flam artist. How did this slippery Pete pull off the scam of the century? Read on.

The first shocking revelation discovered by our crack investigative squad is that Jon Stewart is in fact not even named Jon Stewart. After bribing sources at the DMV it was discovered that Jon Stewart’s real name is Jon Stuart Leibowitz. The man known as Jon Stewart has been fooling his unsuspecting marks for decades. What audiences thought was a generically named amusing man was actually a very ethnically named individual with two first names. But the shockingness does not stop there.

Readers with weak hearts or easily agitated spleens would be wise to not read this next revelation. Sources located deep within the Hollywood industry have uncovered secret Comedy Central documents revealing that The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is intended to be a “hilarious commentary on today’s news.” Yes, this long trusted news source is in fact not even a news source. Jon Stewart is not a real news anchor. The thoughts spouted by this mountebank are carefully crafted ahead of time by a team of “joke writers.” Stewart is merely a mouthpiece for what the corporate cesspool Comedy Central believes to be “funny” and “worth watching.”

Further shocking investigations learned that Stewart wasn’t even an up and coming newsman when he was hired. Comedy Central pulled a “fast one” on the American public when they installed Stewart a stand-up comedian/”actor” into the position formerly held by the honest and trustworthy Craig Kilborn.

TTWIH used to respect Stewart and his ability to get up every day and tell the world the truth. But, when this truth turned out to be a pack of lies all respect was lost. TTWIH asks all readers to burn their copies of Stewart’s textbook America: The Book in protest. Although it has not yet been proven that the book contains any lies or seditious thoughts we here at TTWIH always advocate being on the safe side. Especially if the safe side involves book burning.

“Will Ferrell” Dubbed Newest Film Genre

2006-07-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Asked to name film genres any mongoloid Baskin Robins employee can rattle off the obvious: Action, Drama, Comedy, Sci-Fi, Snakes on a Plane, Mystery, Porn, etc. But today the American Film Institute has officially announced a new genre: Will Ferrell.

A “Will Ferrell Film” will describe any movie in which a simple minded man partakes in some sporting event looking silly at first and ultimately succeeding by finding the skill and heart to compete within himself through some goofy training montage. This designation honors the actor Will Ferrell’s work in films such as: Kicking and Screaming, Talladega Nights and the in the works movie Blades of Glory. In development are Will Ferrell movies in which the actor plays a professional bowler, competitive fisherman and a very plucky degenerate gambling midget.

The naming of a genre after an actor happens only once in a generation. The American Film Institute refuses to honor a flash in the pan actor with this designation, only established stars who will be around for years and years. In the history of film only four actors including Ferrell have been so honored. First was a Charlie Chaplin film, in which a loveable scamp got into some over the top predicament and got out of it without saying a word. Then came the Humphrey Bogart film in which a hard cold man solved all his problems without moving a single facial muscle. Unfortunately then came a Cuba Gooding Jr. movie in which an actor with all the promise in the world can’t manage to find a single good script to attach himself to until the general public forgets the actor was any good in the first place.

Ferrell commented that he is “honored and touched” by this designation. He claims he had “no idea they were going to do this, what a surprise. I thought something might be up but I never guessed this. You guys really had me going. Telling me we were going to sushi then springing this on me. Man that’s awesome!”

The internet is already abuzz with rumors of Will Ferrell’s next project, The Untitled Will Ferrell Will Ferrell movie starring Will Ferrell.

Demolition Derby: Haley Joel Osment v. Alec Baldwin’s Brother

2006-07-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

With the injuries of Haley Joel Osment and a Baldwin in a car crash the lid is torn off of one of Hollywood’s biggest secrets: underground celebrity demolition derbies.

For decades the elite of the silver screen (and their siblings) have taken turns smashing dilapidated cars into each other in an old water purification cistern in the heart of Torrance. Every third Wednesday night when the clock struck 11PM actors would converge on the deserted arena and call each other out to settle grudges, both new and old.

In the arena there is but one rule, the man with last car running wins. Outside, the normal Fight Club rules apply.

On this night, Osment had a bone to pick with any Baldwin to show up. It seems there was a Baldwin sitting at his favorite table at Koi the night before and Osment would not hear of such an insult. Lucky for him, Billy Baldwin’s brother was there to battle. The two strapped themselves down and prepared to fight. But on this night, the battle would not end with a handshake and the purchase of a beer but with hasty medical attention.

Osment chose a 1989 Saturn for his automobile, the Baldwin chose a 1982 Mercedes. The two started out on opposite ends of the arena, both determined to end the other’s night quickly. The green flag was dropped and both pressed their accelerators as hard as possible. The two cars raced towards each other at the maximum speed the 150 horses between them could muster. Neither racer swerved, both lost.

With the arrival of the medics on the scene the gig was up. The celebrities scattered like roaches but not before what they were doing could be revealed to the world. And with that, a Hollywood tradition ended. Where will these stars go to settle old scores? Only time will tell. But for now the streets of LA are safe for the common folk. That’s what’s truly important.

The first Hollywood demolition derby was held in the year 1955 with the battle: James Dean v. Tree.

Pamela Anderson/Kid Rock Wedding to be Sponsored by Porn Industry

2006-07-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

On-again off-again lovers Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have announced to the world that they are to wed at the end of the month. The news is celebrated by Anderson, Rock, their children and the entire pornography industry.

Anderson and Rock first broke into the public image as a model happy to take her clothes off and a singer who was well known for his straight from the trailer look and the elongated singing of his stage name. The pairing of the couple was a natural. Just like with Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, the pairing of public nudity and white trash is the gold standard that the matchmaking industry strives for.

Both members of this glowing couple have made their own headlines with the public release of their videotaped sexual antics. Anderson with her former beau Tommy Lee and Rock with singer Scott Sapp (and we hope at least one woman). The new unification of these two home video powerhouses sent shockwaves through the adult film industry.

Barry P. Coleman, owner of www.hoochieboochie.com remarked, “I’m just so happy to see them find true love. In celebration of their wedding I bought them a brand new Panasonic Camcorder with a zoom lens and one of those thingies so you can shoot in the dark so the couple can record everything that happens on their honeymoon. And I mean everything.” Other industry executives have chipped in with extra tapes, batteries, two straps (one for the camera) and a very heavy duty tripod.

Another adult entertainment pro, J. B. Dogg owner and proprietor of www.donkeeontop.com purchased a wedding cake for the event. “I’m happy to help two young love birds. The cake is a masterpiece flavored with lemon gnash, raspberry butter cream and it’s laced with Spanish Fly. Oh, and it’s shaped like two huge boobs.”

The couple is registered at Crate and Barrel.

Totally Unnecessary Clip Show!

2006-07-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

LAX sucks. The airport, not the club. For this reason you get a "best of" post today. Lucky you.

1) Dan Rather Quits! Take a trip back in time to revisit the days when we thought Dan Rather was quitting rather than going to an easier job.

2) Ben Stiller + Other to do "Diss" Project. Mainly because Season 2 of Arrested Development was playing in the offices yesterday. That Christine Taylor's funny! It's always fun to see someone succeed on her merit alone.

3) Manny! Explore who the watcher of Britney Spears' child really is. Really. Truly. Deeply.

4) Snakes on an Interview! Far and away the most popular page on the site. We have no shame reposting something that was only posted two days ago.

5) Shilo Returns! The first post ever at TTWIH. Oh, the memories. Seems like it was only a month ago.

Potential Daters Line Up for Carmen Electra

2006-07-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Thousands of men, women and children eagerly anticipated the breakup of Hollywood super-couple Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra. Over one hundred and thirty such men (and two children) have begun lining up outside the Skybar in Los Angeles to make a drunken pass at Electra.

Electra was long known as a party girl around Los Angeles between and before her marriages. It was well known that any man hitting on Electra (depending on her state of inebriation) stood a very good chance of going home with the actress that night.

Every one of the men lined out in front of the Skybar has a theory as to why they stand the best chance of scoring with Electra. We spoke to several of these men (and one of the children) and here is what they had to say:

Jim Grossman (#1 in line): I started lining up here November 23, 2003. I knew this day would come and I just want to be the first person to hit on Carmen now that she’s single. She’ll be so happy to find a compassionate ear that I’ll be in like Flynn.

Brad Norton (#18 in line): Carmen’s ¼ Jewish according to that Adam Sandler song. Everyone knows that 18 is a lucky number for Jews. So I think I’ve got a great chance.

Rupert Murdoch (#45 in line): I’m a billionaire media tycoon. She’s got to fall for me.

Unidan Farkosl (#57 in line): Why is this line not moving? I’ve been needing to use the restroom for 3 days now. Come to America they said, they have restrooms a plenty. Lies, all lies. I should have stayed in Turkey.

Tyler Stone (#80 in line, age 11): I’m doing an experiment for my school’s science fair. I’m going to do a culture of Carmen Electra’s throat and see how many types of bacteria there are. I’ll win a blue ribbon for sure. And once I win that blue ribbon Carmen will totally sleep with me.

Interview: Star of Snakes on a Plane, Anaconda Al

2006-07-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Weeks ahead of the barrage of interviews/press for the guaranteed blockbuster film Snakes on a Plane we here at That’s The Way It Happened sat down with one of the stars of this film, Anaconda Al. Al plays against Samuel L. Jackson as one of the title’s suggested snakes taking up residence on an airplane.

Anaconda Al got his start at the San Diego Zoo before being discovered by a vacationing agent from CAA who found a kindred spirit in this carnivorous reptile. He has appeared in episodes of VIP, Fastlane and Dawson’s Creek. He has also been seen in films such as Zoolander and Vanilla Sky before getting his big break on the film Anaconda. When not acting Al spends time with his wife, three eggs and their pet poodle.

TTWIH: Thank you for sitting down with us.

Anaconda Al: Oh, thank you. It’s a pleasure to be doing this way ahead of all the other ones.

TTWIH: We don’t have the pulling power of Leno or Letterman. So, we have to get people (or animals) when we can.

AA: Oh, I couldn’t pass this interview up. I’m a huge fan. That whole thing on Dan Rather had me laughing. I mean, online poker? Where do you come up with this stuff?

TTWIH: Thank you, always happy to meet a fan. So, Snakes on a Plane. What attracted you to this project?

AA: Honestly, I’ve always loved planes but I rarely get a chance to fly. The script was a total riot. I couldn’t believe it. I get some crappy offers and usually don’t read past the 3^rd page of a script. But this one, I couldn’t put down. Also, from a career perspective it’s great to have your character mentioned in the title.

TTWIH: Speaking of which, how did this compare with Anaconda?

AA: Different, very different and mostly on a personal level. Jennifer Lopez and I started dating when I did that film with her. She wanted me to be the lead in Gigli with her, but I really had to say no. I could have been divorced from her instead of Affleck. That would have been something. I told myself I wouldn’t have another on set romance. Julianna (Margulies) and I hooked up a few times, but we knew it wouldn’t go further than that. Women get a real Catherine the Great thing going on around me.

TTWIH: Speaking of co-stars, how was it working with Samuel L. Jackson?

AA: Awful. Really awful. Everyone knows his line “get this mo-fo snakes off the mo-fo plane.” But he doesn’t say “mo-fo.” What people don’t know is the whole time we were shooting he was saying “get these mo-fo snakes off this mo-fo whatever.” He’d kick us out of craft services, out of the dressing rooms and even off the set one day when he was really hung over. I mean, the nerve of the guy. For someone who took on a movie called “Snakes on a Plane” he really hates snakes.

TTWIH: Any other anti-snake sentiment?

AA: Nah, everyone else was really cool about it. Or at least they’re civil enough not to say anything. I know some people are scared of me but at least they have the decency not to be quiet about it.

TTWIH: So, what’s next for you?

AA: Well, my dream is to do a Tarantino movie. I know my career’s not in the crapper like Carradine’s was but it’d still be totally awesome. If he hired that jerk Samuel L. Jackson a couple times he should definitely hire me. I’d love to play more romantic leads instead of bad guys. I’m sexy, I’m good looking. But as of right now all I have down the tube is a guest-star spot on Entourage. The boys get a snake and I eat their dog. It’s hilarious.

TTWIH: Always good to see one of the good guys doing well.

AA: Oh, and I have a Tums commercial I did. It’s all tied in with the movie. It’s funny, you’ll like it.

TTWIH: Thank you for sitting down with us. Or laying down with us. Whatever it is snakes do.

AA: Actually I’m only doing this to get close enough to eat you. Ha! I’m just kidding. Snake humor. It was my pleasure. Hey, keep up the good work.

Britney's "Manny" Gives Up Job, Starts Rapping Career

2006-07-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

Perry Taylor rose to fame when he was spotted walking around Hollywood with Britney Spears and Sean Preston. Tabloids assumed the worst, that he was there to steal Brit away from Kevin. But, this gentle Alaskan was merely Britney's "Manny," her male nanny. Now, this rugged bear of a man has segued all his fame into something more lucrative: a rapping career.

Turns out when Taylor took on this job his eyes weren't only on Sean Preston, but on his career. At Arizona State University Taylor was well known for his football skills but at nights he frequented underground rap clubs under the name "The Seal." He recorded a demo, which got almost no attention from the record companies. His single "Smack from a Rose, Biotch!" got some minor college radio airplay, but mostly as a novelty song. Taylor quickly told everyone the song was a "joke" and he would be releasing his new tracks soon which would blow everyone's minds. But finals came around and Taylor didn't have time to record these self-professed "dope rhymes." When Spears offered him the manny job, Taylor saw his opening into the music community.

Perry Taylor tells TTWIH, "Sure I did my job. But to me, it was just a job yo. I was buildin' up my Rolodex. Pimpin' my contact list on the regula." Now, with his myriad of industry connections Taylor has managed to convince Pop a Zoa, the music producer, to help him record a demo. "If you thought my rhymes were mad whack before you're gonna have your mind blown. It's gonna put you in a coma. The music world's gonna bow before P.T!"

Are there any hard feelings from Britney or Kevin? Taylor claims that Spears wished him luck on his career. She knew what it was like to be starting out with stars in your eyes. He even hinted that some day there might be a collaboration between the two. Kevin Fedderline took the news much harder. He was heard to yell, "He can bring that &*$% on! I'm the baddest Mo-Fo alive! I'll battle him to the death!"

Asked for a sample of his new rhymes Taylor would only give this snippet:

I come from the land of Igloos
No shoes, Yoo Hoos and TuTus.
I'm a diamond studded Eskimo, foo!

Asked for a comment music legend Neil Young remarked, "Who the hell cares?"

Johnny Depp’s Next Project, a 4th Grade Play

2006-07-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

Actor Johnny Depp is known for his eclectic taste in projects. His choice for his next project stumps critics and fans alike. He has chosen to perform in a 4^th Grade Play.

Depp has long gone against what mainstream Hollywood believes he should do. He lives in France, often takes on projects with little commercial appeal and usually dresses like a shmuck. But his latest choice of roles baffles even his biggest supporters. Depp’s 2^nd Cousin Maureen Waters tells TTWIH, “Johnny did his Pirates of the Caribbean movie, now it’s time to do something artistic. At least that’s what I think he’d say if he talked to my side of the family. We’re considered the ‘weird’ side.”

What play could so capture the mind of Depp that he would say to himself, “I have to do this?” It will be the Bethesda, MD Elementary School production of “Fiddler on the Roof.” Depp will be playing the part of Avram, the man who in the opening number is given a match for his son by Yenta. In the film version of Fiddler the part was played by Alfie Scopp who went on to win the 3^rd ever Ironman Triathlon. Why is Depp not playing a bigger part? For this information TTWIH contacted the drama teacher who is directing this play, Mrs. Crown. Mrs. Crown issued the following statement:

“I didn’t want him in my play. We go up in two weeks, I had these parts cast months ago. These kids were working really hard and this Hollywood big shot movie star walks in and demands the lead role. Well, ‘tough’ I told him. I have Simon Boatsman playing the part of Tevye, he’s doing a fine job. Then Chip Thaler, who was playing Avram, told me he had to go on vacation with his family during the run of our show. Why didn’t he tell me this earlier? He said he forgot. What kind of kid forgets he’s going to Disneyworld for a whole week? So I tell Mr. Depp he can have this part. He’s so grateful, he buys me a new watch. It’s nice but I think it runs a little slow. So anyway he starts giving me all these directorial ‘suggestions.’ He wants smoke machines in the dream sequence, he wants better costumes, and he even came up with an excuse to be naked on stage. Can you imagine that? A nude Johnny Depp naked on stage with a bunch of 4^th graders? Disgusting. It didn’t even make sense in the plot. But he gave me a watch, what choice do I have?”

Depp wanted to partake in this project after hearing of the true love these 4^th graders had for the material and of Mrs. Crown’s legendary mastery of her repertoire of 5 plays she’s been rotating through annually for the last three decades.

The whole cast is excited at the proposition of working with a screen legend and they are all hoping to have the cast party at the Viper Room.

LeAnn Rimes Grows New Leg, Becomes Supervillian

2006-07-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

Panic and shock swept the country last week when it was learned that singer/songwriter/Coyote Ugly mainstay LeAnn Rimes had an infected leg. But, after surgery and an experimental DNA transfusion procedure LeAnn Rimes is healthy, singing again and bent on toppling the US government.

Rimes had acquired the infection after scraping her leg against an exposed nail in the dingy vermin infested bathrooms of Yankee Stadium. The infection spread quickly up her leg and begun to threaten other parts of her body. But because of a timely amputation by Dr. Curt Connors of the New York Presbyterian Hospital, the singers life was saved.

The always brave Rimes volunteered for an experimental gene therapy treatment called herpatological therapy to try to regrow her severed limb. In this cutting edge treatment the DNA of Rimes was mixed with the DNA of an amalgamation of reptilian DNA. This, the doctors hoped, would allow LeAnn Rimes to re-spawn her severed limb and be out singing her ditties in no time flat.

As a result of the treatment Rimes regrew her missing limb in only a few short hours. Rimes has begun experiencing common side effects from this proceedure including: headaches, weepy sores and occasionally transforming into a six foot tall killer lizard bent on murdering millions.

These days when not recording songs for her new album Rimes can be seen tearing through the streets of New York throwing cars and destroying portions of buildings with her tail. In addition to her extensive charity work Rimes has joined forces with several other like minded individuals to start a Foreigner-like group dedicated to the downfall of the government. This as yet unnamed group has plans in the works to poison water supplies and purchase nuclear weapons from some willing former USSR break-off nation.

Representatives for Rimes insist that Rimes will honor all her tour dates and album commitments before sending the entire country into a burning anarchaic mess from which she will arise as the one true ruler.

Angelina Jolie Returns To Acting Work, Shilo's Training Begins

2006-07-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

"Thank the Lord, thank the almighty wonderful Lord in the heavens that Angelina Jolie is returning back to work." These were the words spoken by Billy Graham in his final sermon in Baltimore shortly after learning of the actress' intent to soon return to the silver screen.

Weeks after giving birth to the greatest baby of all time Jolie has put her name on a contract guaranteeing that she will perform in 2008's Academy Award winning Kung-Fu Panda. Jolie claims she was attracted to the script, the other cast members and "in two years when this comes out Shilo will be just the right age to begin her martial arts training. This movie will function as a great introduction."

It has been widely reported that Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has already started exhibiting her super-human strength that will allow her to fight the evil alien forces that are scheduled to threaten Earth in 2020. Experts assert, "Shilo has the laser vision, the super strength and can fly. That's all well and good. But these evil aliens are going to know Karate, Judo and possibly even Tae Bo." Asked why they included such a stupid joke in their report experts claimed they learned their sense of humor from That's The Way It Happened.

Jolie's angelic voice will ring from the heavens as a fuzzy cuddly panda bear with soft sensuous lips. She is to play the love interest of the panda voiced by Jack Black. Critics are already concerned that Jolie's chemistry with Black will be laughable in comparison to her on screen chemistry with boyfriend/lover/champion of the universe Brad Pitt. Jolie tells TTWIH, "Hopefully we can get away with it because it's my voice and not my incredible good looks up on screen. The producers tell me they'll run it through a bunch of digital filters so that it doesn't sound exactly like my voice. That way this whole thing will be more believable."

Next up for Jolie will be a Bollywood musical set to be released in 2009. Jolie claims, "We're going to have to start working on Shilo's foreign language skills if she's to be the world's savior. How else will she understand the praises being sung of her around the world?"

First Suri Cruise Picture Released! Explains Everything.

2006-07-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

That's the Way it Happened has done it again. Today we bring you the first ever picture of baby/enigma Suri Cruise. It appears the first baby of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is indeed healthy, happy and a Cabbage Patch doll.

This shocking revelation comes on the heels of controversy doubting the existence of the baby. But, as this photo proves the baby is real and does exist. Every entertainment blog in the universe has already linked to Suri's fake birth certificate. The nurse who signed the fake certificate explains,"I singed this thing without seeing Suri because Suri wasn't born in a hospital. She was born in a magical cabbage patch behind a beautiful waterfall."

Suri is now home and happy having been delivered to the Celebrity Center via stork and having her blood completely replaced with certified "thetan free blood." The beach ball that was hidden under Katie Holmes's shirt has been returned to Target but because the couple failed to retain the original store receipt the couple will only receive store credit for it's return.

The press has had a field day with speculations that the baby known as Suri either didn't exist or had something wrong with it. "There were theories going around that Suri was really ugly or that she was black or something. This is not the case. Suri is a perfectly happy and healthy plastic baby," Cruise's representatives said in a press statement.

Apparently, some media outlets are not satisfied. The New York Post has come forth with an article claiming that Suri Cruise was purchased at a local Toys 'R Us using Cruise's credit card but by one of Cruise's hundreds of assistants. They claim this would legally make the true adopter of Suri a bit legally ambiguous. The Cabbage Patch Kid legal team responded claiming, "There's a little adoption certificate in the box. Whoever signs the certificate becomes the legal guardian of the child, not the person who paid." By all reports the certificate was signed by both Cruise and Holmes in the presence of the coffin of L. Ron Hubbard.

Holmes has not been seen for a few days as she is suffering from a mild nervous breakdown. Sources tell TTWIH that Katie was upset upon the reception of her daughter because, "she had asked for a Pound Puppy."

Nicole Kidman Files for Annulment: Pledges to be More like Renée Zellweger

2006-07-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

What do these two Cold Mountain co-stars have in common? A whole lot if Nicole Kidman has anything to do with it.

Late Thursday evening Nicole Kidman filed to have her marriage with Keith Urban annulled. When asked for a reason Kidman told reporters, "I don't know if I ever told you this but Renée Zellweger is my idol. When we worked together in Romania that balmy spring I just realized this was what I wanted my life to be like. So whatever she does, I'll be one step behind her."

After annulling a marriage to a country star husband what's next for this luminous actress? Sources claim that Kidman already has an appointment with famed Los Angeles hair stylist Umberto to have her hair died back to Interpreter blonde. She's also said to be on a diet hoping to copy Zellweger's cheese grater ribs.

But this emulation doesn't only apply to Kidman's personal life; she's started to make career choices to copy Zellweger. Kidman, talking to her agent one day, learned that Zellweger was to star in Miss Potter, the biopic of children's author Beatrix Potter. After a short panic attack and ensuing recovery with the help of a Taco Bell bag Nicole Kidman agreed to do the first biography that came across her agent's desk. That film just happened to be Fur, the biography of photographer Diane Arbus.

Kidman spoke about her new project, "I have no 'effing clue who Diane Arbus is. Really, I don't know anything about photography. I get those disposable cameras from Rite-Aid and end up taking all these shots of the inside of my pocket. No idea what-so-ever. But if Renée is doing a biography film, then damnit I'm doing one too."

Nicole Kidman has been seen purchasing gigantic spotlights and having them installed in her home. A source close to Kidman tells us that she's been spending hours staring into them, trying to get the "Zellweger Squint."

Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor to "Diss" Kyra Sedgwick

2006-07-05T23:46:00.000-07:00

Christine Taylor, wife of Ben Stiller/Fake Brady is set to star in a brand new CBS comedy series based on a small town girl coming to Hollywood, getting married to a big movie star and finally succeeding in her career. This move is meant to be a direct insult to the career of Kyra Sedgwick, wife of movie star Kevin Bacon.

Taylor and Stiller sat down with TTWIH and explained this bold move. Stiller spoke, “Look, we don’t hate Kyra Sedgwick. We just think she’s a hack who hasn’t earned a thing she’s gotten in this town.” Taylor added, “If she wasn’t porking Kevin Bacon no one would even know who the hell she was! The girl has to get out and do something on her own. I mean, come on.. The Woodsman? She played his flippin’ girlfriend for heaven’s sake. What a stretch! Did you hear what I said before? I said ‘porking Bacon,’ I’m hilarious!”

The comedy will closely mimic Sedgwick’s life and climb to stardom. Just like the character in the show Sedgwick was born and raised in a small town (New York City) and moved out to LA to become an actress with bright eyes and only a year on a soap opera on her resume. She had very little success until 1988, the year she met Kevin Bacon. Bacon had already cut footloose on the town and was known for his ability to make and break careers at the flip of his hair. On this particular day, he flipped his hair in Sedgwick’s direction.

Taylor shared how she is going to prepare for this role, “Well, I’m going to have to watch all of Sedgwick’s movies. I might have to get drunk first. The girl was in some real clunkers. It seems like she’d say yes to anything that pays. Then maybe I’ll have to let my hair go a bit. And start talking in an inconsistent accent. It really shouldn’t be that big of a challenge for an actress like me.”

Stiller has had a long history of making films to parody rises to stardom. He has helmed blockbusters such as “Guess Who’s Sucking For Dinner?” the famous Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn “diss” film and “Island of Dr. Moron: Brando’s an Overrated Piece of Crap.”

Sedgwick has a Bacon Number of 1.

Keira Knightley Denies Being Almost Anything Interesting

2006-07-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

CNN.com broke the story early yesterday that Keira Knightley is not anorexic. TTWIH would have done the same, but no one wanted to blog on the fourth of July. CNN’s a bunch of stupid overachievers. In addition to finally admitting her non-eating disorder Knightley admitted many other non-problems. Here is a short list of these shocking things Keira Knightley is not:

A space monkey.
A man.
The third in line to succeed the Prime Minister of England in the event of a national disaster.
An Oscar Meyer weiner (although she admits wishing this were indeed true).
Married to Eitan (although he admits wishing this was indeed true).
American.
Spelled "Keera Knightly."
The identical twin sister of Helen Hunt.
Bigger than Jesus (except in height).
The last living daughter of Krypton.
Skinny.

Fans of Knightley all over the world are shocked by these revelations. One fan, Sojo Smith 29, had this to say: "I used to idolize Keira. I thought she was the bee's knees. Now that I know this much about her I don't know what we have in common. I'll have her in my prayers." When asked how often she would pray for the actress Sojo replied, "I'll pray for Knightley nightly."

Soft-Spoken Recording Artist Lil Kim Survives Prison

2006-07-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Fragile and delicate rapper Lil Kim was released from federal prison today. Miraculously she escaped the 10 month ordeal with minimal emotional and little physical scarring.

Ten months ago Lil Kim (Kimberly Jones) was sent to federal prison for the first time in her life. Before her incarceration this diminutive artist granted TTWIH an interview. In her usual feathery light voice she remarked, "I'm terrified of prison. I'm a little girl inside. A precious flower. I don't know what I'll do surrounded by such a rough element." Lil Kim is known in the rap world for her friendly demeanor, light sense of humor and protected virginity. 16 year old fan Joan Person claims, "Lil Kim's rhymes have encouraged me to save myself for marriage. I want to be chaste, just like Kimberly."

How did this angel survive such rough treatment? As usual, Kim quotes the bible as a response: "I thank God. He guided me through this all. I encourage everyone in a tough situation to turn to Jesus. In him you shal find the true way to live."

Lil Kim took the opportunity of her incarceration to volunteer in the prison chapel. She swept the floors after Sunday services and tutored some prisoners who were newer to Christianity. Prisoner Barbara Ann reports, "I really respect Mrs. Kim. I was having trouble understanding the virgin birth and how that makes me feel about my religion. She walked me through it all and brought me closer to my faith. I think everyone here really looks up to her for her honesty and truth. You look at the girl's face and you see nothing but love for her fellow man."

There was only one reported incident of violence during Kim's stay in Federal prison. A fellow prisoner tripped Ms. Kim during a meal hour, mistaking her for a rival gang member. Kim fell to the ground and spilled all her food. Due to the prison's "One prisoner:One Meal" policy she was unable to acquire more food from the commissary. A prisoner reports, "We passed around a collection plate and everyone contributed a little food to feed Kim. She was so grateful she cried."

Kim was serving time for lying to a federal judge. Remorsefully she tells TTWIH about this, "My mother always told me not to lie and I messed up. I deserved every minute of my sentence. Let this be a lesson to all the little girls out there, always tell the truth." Kim will be releasing a new album entitled, "Caged Angel" describing her prison sentence and providing inspiration to all the other inmates of the world. $1 from every CD purchase will be donated to Kim's Jesus in Jail foundation.

Barbara Walters Orders Hit on Star Jones

2006-06-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

The rift between View hosts Barbara Walters and Star Jones reached a new level of intensity early this morning. At approximately 3AM Walters left her New York condominium to find a pay phone near Central Park. There she dialed a number handed to her by a friend of a friend and left a message on an answering machine located somewhere in the Bronx. This message was then picked up by Picasso Red, an assassin for the Gambino crime family. Picasso is known for his red hair, fiery demeanor, the twisted shape in which his victims are often found and his Masters in Art History from Tufts.

Barbara Walters has had many ties to the Gambinos over the years. Walters has been using a Gambino affiliated bookie to place her horse racing bets for decades. Also she was known to purchase any piece of Dolce and Gabbana item that “fell off the back of the truck.” Walters reportedly has a real taste for “brass knuckles studded with any semi-precious stone.” But on this particular job, she’ll not be getting her hands dirty directly.

Sources inform TTWIH that Picasso Red and Walters have reached an agreement on the cost of Star Jones’ head on a platter. The price on such an action will cost Walters $10,000 and one private lap dance. The contract does state that Picasso must keep his hands off Ms. Walters during said dance and any touching not requested specifically by Walters will lead to immediate termination of the dance.

A close friend of Walters has confirmed that the requested method of death is to be “as messy as possible. Barbara wants to make sure that Star Jones won’t be able to have an open casket funeral. She was very adamant about that.” According to KillaBlogz, an assassination news blog, Picasso Red is known for his use of an industrial jack hammer in his previous killings. It is unknown if this will be the case or if Red will be using another method, such as a flame thrower.

Walters has asked Picasso to complete this assassination before Jones is to speak on Larry King Live tonight. There are fears that Jones will go public with her knowledge of Walter’s reception of stolen goods, snarky demeanor and cankles. Walters also fears that Jones’ “completely natural weight loss” (having fat pumped out of her face using a sump-pump) will continue to the point where Jones is too thin to be seen with the naked eye and impossible to assassinate.

Top 5 Meryl Streep Career Mistakes

2006-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

When most people think of Meryl Streep they think of the 11 Oscar nominations and two wins. They think of a funny, popular actress who has an IMDb page a mile long. But what most people don’t realize is that this actress isn’t perfect. There is a dark side to her career. Career consultant Dom Ligor analyzed Streep’s career and has come up with a list of six mistakes that have crippled the beloved star’s career.

1. Not Accepting a Part in “The Big Lebowski.” Ligor claims, “That movie rocked! It did great stuff for Tara Reid’s career. I know stoners who’ve seen that movie 100 times. Meryl doesn’t have a very good Stoner Q.” Stoner Q is the equivalent of a TVQ for pot heads. Memory loss and low sperm count are taken into account in the calculations.
2. Being a “Good Girl.” – According to sources there have been only 3 incidences of Meryl being accused of rowdy club behavior. By contrast Paris Hilton has 371 in 2006 alone. “Meryl’s too calm! She’s got to fight someone. All anyone ever talks about is Lohan and Hilton slugging it out. Meryl needs to go on a cross country slap-fest to get her name in some tabloids.”
3. Being a Really Good Actress – “It seems counterintuitive and possibly a little stupid. You’d think that an actress would want to be good at what she does. Obviously, you’d need more psychology lessons. She intimidates people. No director would want her around because he’s scared of her knowing more than him. She’s got to phone in a few performances, make the Brett Ratners of the world feel more comfortable around her.”
4. Being a Crack Head – Streep has been an active crack user and rights advocate since 1985. She can be found every 2:30 AM on Sunset Blvd. trying to track down her dealer. “It’s really sad. Crack is whack,” Ligor spouts almost ironically.
5. Having One of those AFI Tributes – “Nothing can kill your career faster than a lifetime achievement award. Look at who’s gotten them and had their career fall apart: Hanks, Spielberg, Lucas. Who even hears from these guys anymore?” Short of appearing in the “Garbage Pail Kids Movie,’ nothing has been more poisonous to an actor’s career than an AFI Tribute. Tom Hanks is selling T-shirts online to raise money to save his Wisconsin home.
6. Not Being Hotter – “Don’t get me wrong,” Ligor says, “I wouldn’t kick Streep out of bed. But imagine what her career would be like if she was smokin’ hot?” Streep for years has failed to make the Maxim list of 100 Hottest Women in the World much to her dismay. Ligor has offered to put Streep in touch with a plastic surgeon, if she agrees to have her procedure broadcast on the internet.

Angelina Jolie Donates Eldest Son to Charity

2006-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie is known all over the world for her philanthropy, good will and generally being “a heck of a gal.” But today she became officially known as “The Most Generous Woman on Earth” with the donation of the oldest member of her brood to charity.

Maddox Jolie has officially become the property of the Make a Wish Foundation. In this landmark donation Maddox can be adopted temporarily by children who have the last dying wish “To adopt a Cambodian punk rocker looking kid.” Make a Wish estimates that there are between 700 and 900 dying children who would like nothing more to have their own Cambodian child for whatever time they have left on this earth.

Long known for bringing attention to the plight of children in underdeveloped nations Ms. Jolie now gets to take the next step in making the world a better place. “It was so easy to feed the starving children of the world. I barely broke a sweat when I ended war and hatred. But giving birth to Shilo was tough. Now I have a child to spare so I can donate Maddox who’s just taking up space around the house,” Jolie shares in a British affectation.

It had been reported earlier that there had been a shake up in the Jolie-Pitt house since Shilo was born. Sibling rivalry and jealousy had ripped the previously perfect household to shreds. The donation gives Angelina and Pitt a way of dealing with the new-found stress of being multimillionaire, world famous parents who have too many children demanding attention from their fleet of nannies and au pairs while helping the world as a whole.

“We had contemplated donating Maddox to Bob Barker. He seems so lonely but ultimately we felt this is the right decision,” Jolie comments.

And official release from the Make a Wish foundation thanks Jolie for her generous donation and promises to keep her on the phone/mailing list for years to come, hoping to one day snag super-child Shilo. “Maddox is great,” a rep from Make a Wish told TTWIH, “but Shilo is the holy grail of child acquisitions.”

Jeremy Piven Actually Two Midgets Stacked Up

2006-06-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Entourage star Jeremy Piven is best known for his character’s catch phrase, “Hug it out” when his actual catch phrase should be, “Stand on my shoulders.” It turns out there’s more to Mr. Piven than meets the eye.

Jeremy Piven was the birth name given to a 3’3” tall actor out of Baker, California. Piven came to LA to get work but quickly learned that opportunities for performing midgets were few and far between. “Basically,” he explains, “they wanted me to be the punch line to a joke or pretend like I was a kid. Piven doesn’t do that.”

One day, studying at the Larry Moss studio Piven met another midget named Igor from Poland who was 2’6”. They immediately formed a strong friendship despite the fact that Igor spoke almost no English. Igor was also struggling as an actor/bodybuilder and could find no one to give him respectable work.

In class one day Piven and Igor learned of an open call for the Corey Haim movie, “Lucas.” They both auditioned separately but were rebuffed for being “too small” and both were told, “this ain’t a midget movie.” The two were hanging out at Barney’s Beanery that night and came up with a plan. They borrowed an old trench coat, had Piven stand on the much stronger Igor’s shoulders and they would go in and audition together.

The casting director had no idea they had been there before and was blown away by their magnetic performance. Soon Piven/Igor were in front of the director and won the part of “Spike,” starting a TV/Film legend’s career.

This duo knew that their secret must be kept at all cost until they had built up a high enough TV-Q rating to forgive any lies they told (see Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ third, fourth and fifth nipples). So it wasn’t until they began appearing on Ellen DeGeneres sitcom Ellen in the mid nineties that they felt their secret could start to leak out. “We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” Igor spoke through a translator, “But we knew if anyone ever tried to throw it in our faces we could always tell the world, ‘You think that’s bad? Ellen’s not really gay!’ But luckily it never came to that.”

The entertainment industry had known about this for years but word has only just now begun leaking out to the press and public as Hollywood can be quite tight lipped when it comes to people’s secrets. What has the reaction been? Piven answers, “People are really forgiving and some even tell us that we’re their heroes. Mostly short people do that. Also we seem to get a lot of gift certificates to Baby Gap now. I guess that’s a good thing.”

Reese Witherspoon Sues Over False Pregnancy Rumor, Sky Color, Et Al.

2006-06-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently Legally Blonde star Reese Witherspoon is turning in her 10 free “sue anyone” vouchers from her Oscar gift basket all at once. The law firm Lavely and Singer have been putting their vouchers in gift baskets for years. “Mostly they go unused,” one of the firm’s lawyers was quoted as saying, “One year John Travolta used them to sue ten chicken nuggets individually. That was pretty uncomfortable. Reese has ten good targets, so off we go!”

First on Witherspoon’s list is Star Magazine, who claimed on last week’s cover that the actress was pregnant. Star’s expected defense: Reese was wearing baggy clothes and we had a guy who knew her gardener tell us she said something about ‘getting ready for number three.’ Fine, I’ll say it… she looks fat. Are you happy now?”

Also targeted by the Oscar winner’s litigation is T-Mobile who charged Ms. Witherspoon $0.99 to send a picture message even though Reese claims the picture never went through. A T-Mobile representative claimed no comment except that they are huge fans of her work.

Another company to be sued by Witherspoon is Ben and Jerry’s ice cream (Ben and Jerry are listed on separate lawsuits). The reason given by the law firm is that, “Ben and Jerry are personally responsible for making Ms. Witherspoon appear chunky and pregnant. They are at fault here too and must be punished. Damn you Chunky Monkey!”

Possibly the most interesting law suit will be against “Every Book Ever Written Claiming the Sky is Blue.” Reese, an advocate of science has made it her lifetime goal to have the phrase “the sky is blue” replaced in every literary publication from The Bible to Life in the Time of Cholera to “The sky appears blue due to refraction of light, the sky is in fact not colored at all.” All proceeds from this lawsuit are to be donated to Flat Earth Society, an anti-Earth curvature group.

Lindsay Lohan Brawls with Paris Hilton, Leaves Club in Ruins

2006-06-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Sirens scream, smoke billows into the cold night air, the heat of the flames sparkles off the broken bottles of Patron scattered on the floor. Random passer-bys note, “Lindsay Lohan must have gone out drinking tonight.”

Lohan’s night started like any other night. She began “pre-partying” back at her crib with her posse. Lindsay and her five “crew mates” polished off a bottle of Jack and chased it down with a few forties of Miller High Life Lite. When one of her friends lit up a “doobie” and Lindsay didn’t partake a crew-mate remembers saying to herself, “She wants her wit’s about her tonight, that means trouble.”

The whole gang piled into Lindsay’s mini-van and were driven by chauffer (safety first) to the hottest club in Manhattan, Widgets. Lohan breezed past the line outside with her crew and headed right for the VIP section. On this night, there was to be drinking but little merriment. Lohan had called ahead and requested a specific booth one she claims, “is lit with a slightly pink hue, it make my hair look great.” But on this fateful night, that booth was occupied by one Paris Hilton and seven men in various states of undress. Paris, that night, was slightly higher on the Hollywood pecking order.

Lohan accepted an alternate booth and began drinking bottle after bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Her glares towards her favorite booth became more and more toxic as the night progressed and as the annoying club music blared. Lindsay wasn’t having any fun.

Finally, after imbibing enough liquid courage she walked up to Paris’ booth and spoke, “Excuse me, I want this booth.” To which Paris replied, “I’m sorry my dearest friend. But I was here first and am already properly situated. Would you care to share this booth with me? We can discuss current events and other scintillating topics.” Lohan, upon hearing these words screeched, “I HATE YOU!” She dove over the table in front of her, claws drawn, ready to tear Paris limb from limb.

But Paris, a diligent student of Judo, was ready for such an attack. With a flick of her hair and a quick move with her arms she catapulted the flying Lohan over her head and into the wall behind the booth. Lindsay slowly got up and wiped the blood from under her lip. “This means war,” she muttered.

Lohan walked over towards her booth where she had conveniently stashed a flame thrower. After igniting the pilot light she walked back over to Paris’ booth to demand her regular table. But Paris had suspected that Lindsay would return with her famous and oft used flame thrower. Hilton lobbed a bottle of Everclear vodka (180 proof) at Lohan hoping to ignite her adversary before she herself could be incinerated. But Lohan saw the bottle flying towards her and shot her flame thrower at the flying projectile.

The heat ignited the liquid inside. With the force of a stick of dynamite shards of glass and globs of flying burning liquid scattered around the club. Several Paris Hilton fans were caught in the blast and were blinded by pieces of glass. Lohan, smelling blood, turned her flame thrower onto the crowd and the high priced booze behind the bar.

Lindsay Lohan exhausted her tank of fuel, igniting everything in site. All the club patrons managed to escape, some with fairly major injuries, before the roof collapsed. Lohan emerged from the rubble, dusted herself off and rejoined her posse to go to the next club on their list, Tear.

Hilton was heard to remark, “That girl just needs to relax.”

Luke Perry Loves Celebrity Gossip

2006-06-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

Former teen heartthrob Luke Perry was long known for his fast paced crazy lifestyle but now the man has a new game, celebrity gossip.

During his 90210 glory days Luke would spend hours each day floating through local Hollywood bars browsing for the perfect piece of tail to take home that night. Often times he’d leave bars with five or six women and only decide on which girl (or girls) would share his bed at the last minute. He was internationally known for his pickup line, “Hello my name is Dylan… I’m sorry I mean Luke Perry.” But those immortal words will ring no more.

Today a more mature and debonair Perry is most likely to approach a bar patron and ask, “Did you hear what Brad Pitt said about Jennifer Aniston on the Today show yesterday?” Yes, the man long known as a race car driving aficionado is now more interested in discussing how Britney Spears drives Sean Preston around. Luke has begun frequenting online celebrity gossip blogs, websites and calling his agent just to find out what the “word on the street is.”

Luke’s latest infatuation: Britney Spears’ relationship with her “manny.” Perry has estimated that he’s spent between 25 and 30 hours in the last week reading everything he can about this enigmatic man. One of Luke’s friends remarks that Luke, “has really never been happier. I called him to tell him I knew a guy who went to college with Britney’s nanny and that he was a total slob. You should have heard Luke giggle like a school girl.”

But Luke does not only like to hear about gossip, he likes to disseminate it as well. “I was at this party at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s place the other week and I saw George Lopez flirting with Jessica Alba.” Luke begins getting more animated and excited as he talks. “She was bored out of her mind! I ran to the nearest computer to shoot a tip off to one of the sites I read. I really love this stuff. Heck, I must type ‘Brangelica’ into Google thirty times a day, just to see what’s going on.”

Asked what his favorite type of gossip is Luke replied, “Believe it or not, I like it as mundane as possible. To me it’s just amazing that these celebrities are just like us!”

Dan Rather Quits, Wants to Dedicate More Time to Online Poker

2006-06-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

Dan Rather, a legend among news anchors is leaving his long occupied post at CBS News. He leaves behind him a storied legacy to go on a new quest, “to totally make butt loads of money playing online poker.”

Millions of 70 year old women flock to their televisions every night to gaze upon the beauty of Dan Rather. Everyone one of them thinks the same thing, “Oh, if only once I could have that man’s sexy hands rubbing my arthritic back, then I could die a happy woman. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Connie Chung walking her dog?” His cult following has tuned in for years to hear his discourse on presidential elections, the economy, aliens and Bobo the back flipping monkey.

But none of these hard hitting new stories fulfilled the man’s soul. “I felt empty inside,” Dan Rather spoke drunkenly/candidly to That’s The Way It Happened, “I had my finger on the pulse of the country, speaking to countless souls when all I really wanted to do was make some coin. I’ve finally found a way to do that without having to get dressed in the morning.”

Mr. Rather is speaking of online poker. Online poker has been attracting degenerate gamblers for years who couldn’t be bothered to leave their house/cubicle to feed their cravings for $1/$2 blinds. Dan Rather is no exception. With his newfound freedom Dan Rather will be spending as much time as possible on PartyPoker.net attempting to finally get that “new pair of shoes” he, as a daddy, so readily craves. No longer will he be subject to the 24/7 cycle of breaking news but instead will be allowed to leisurely give in to the 24/7 cycle of online gambling. Mr. Rather can be found under the login “FeelTheRath23.”

He is the first news anchor to leave his post to fulfill a vise since Edward R. Murrow left CBS to dedicate his time to stuffing $2 bills into the g-strings of 12 year old Taiwanese strippers.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban to Wed: End Bloodbath

2006-06-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

For millions of years a ferocious war has been fought between Australia and New Zealand. Starting originally over the mispronunciation of “g’day” it quickly escalated into a drawn out melee claiming billions of lives. Most recently a spear was thrown by Nantuk an Aborigines man in the Australian outback tragically killing 30 New Zealand rugby players. Leaders of both countries for years have attempted to negotiate a truce with no luck, until now.

Today’s remarkable revelation comes at the hands of two people: Nicole Kidman, superstar actress and Keith Urban, “musician.” Ms. Kidman is best known for being the former wife of Tom Cruise but shone on her own in several movies including Days of Thunder and Eyes Wide Shut. Keith Urban is known for his interpretation of the ancient New Zealand art of “Country Music.” Nicole is native to Australia, Urban from New Zealand.

How did these two lovers from across the world meet? How did they finally unite the modern day Montagues and Capulets? They met like other couple would meet in the wonderful and free land of America, in a celebrity poker tournament. Their eyes locked, their hair blew in a simulated breeze and both knew the other was bluffing with a 7-2 off suit and knew they could never live apart.

Nicole and Keith broke down the color barrier and became the first New Zealand/Australian couple ever featured in Star Magazine. Star’s editor in chief was quoted as saying, “We just bring the people the news. If it happens to shatter all social and political taboos in this world, then so be it.”

The newfound peace brings with it the first ever exchange of culture between these two nations. The Australian King and New Zealand Prime President met last week on the neutral island of Tasmania to exchange gifts. The New Zealanders left with the first ever boomerang to reach New Zealand shores (all previous items of the sort were sent back to Australia immediately) and Australia will own it’s first ever New Zealand rain stick. “With luck,” Australia was quoted as saying, “One day we may even get Peter Jackson over here.”

Britney Won't Birth in Namibia

2006-06-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

In the most cutting of cutting edge news: Singer/Actress/Model/Mom (That last slash was inserted there by our legal team) Britney Spears is not going to follow in Angelina Jolie’s footsteps and give birth in the African country of Namibia. This is a huge blow to Namibia where 83% of the country’s economy is derived from “birthing/celebrity swaddling.” Its other exports include: non-fuel minerals, rice and good intentions. Its monetary unit is the Namibian Dollar.

TTWIH managed to hunt down Britney’s cell phone number and was able to confirm several other locations where Britney will not be giving birth to Sean Preston Jr. Here are a few locations and Britney’s comments as to why they’re not suitable for bringing her new bundle of talent and incredibleness into the world:

McComb, Mississippi: Lightning don’t strike the same place twice.

Shanghai, China: Kevin’s really in favor of this one. Since Chinese people are so short we thought it would be a real boost to SP Jr.’s confidence to be the tallest baby in the delivery room. Problem is, Chinese food gives me gas. I didn’t want to be all bloated and gassy when I give birth.

Inside of a Giant Peach: That Old-Green-Grasshopper is such a mean coot!

On the Internet: There ain’t nothing but boobies and porno on the internet. That’s fine for Kevin but not for my baby.

Next to Waldo: Then I’ll never find him!

A Hospital: I haven’t looked good in white in years.

New Orleans, Louisiana: I’m not into the “water birth” thing.

Haley’s Comet: Don’t be silly, that ain’t coming back by Earth again until 2062.

Bow Before Tom Cruise!

2006-06-16T10:59:00.000-07:00

Who's number 1?! Who's number 1?!

In the annual Forbes Hollywood Power List Mr. Tom Cruise has been elected number one top celebrity star in the galaxy! Our new supreme lord and savior has toppled heathens such as Rush Limbaugh and Nicole Richie to become the greatest star of all time (2006 edition). Lord Cruise ascends to his throne having slaughtered and drank the blood of 2005 champion Eric Roberts.

Lord Cruise is expected to go on a 48 state baby beating tour. His goal, to club at least 3,000 children into either "a brain damaged state or death" by the time his reign ends. Of course, knowing how incredibly awesome Mr. Cruise is, he is expected to hold the title for the next 17 years until Suri comes of age. So he's in no real rush.

Sacrifices to our king and master will begin on the 17th of June and will continue hourly until the World International Tom Cruise Day (formerly known as June 3rd). Virgins are encouraged to apply at a local Scientology office.

All hail Cruise!

Darryl and Jose Sitting in a Tree

2006-06-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

That's The Way It Happened EXCLUSIVE!

The reasons for Actress, Darryl Hannah's recent 23 day jaunt in a Los Angeles tree have been explored ad nausium. Developer, land, farm, Hispanics, blah, blah, blah. But what really happened in that tree? What was it like? TTWIH has obtained a copy of a journal, written by Ms. Hannah during those days in the tree. This journal was scratched on a piece of bark with another piece of bark. Here is the journal in it's entirety:

Day 1: What's up with this? I was posing for a photo-op with these poor people when the cops showed up. I have a kilo of blow in a balloon up my butt, so naturally I ran. I went the one place they'll never find me. A tree!

Day 2: They found me. There are loads of other people up here too. They're protesting something. Some midget named Jose told me all about it.

Day 6: Ok, seriously? It's a stupid piece of land. Go tear down that apartment building across the street and build your mini-mall there. It's totally dilapidated and ugly anyway.

Day 10: Great news! They're still trying to tear this place down but my publicist just told me that the news media has started referring to me as "movie star Darryl Hannah" instead of just "actress Darryl Hannah." I'm moving up baby! If I ever get down from here I'm totally going to start caring about things for real.

Day 11: Is there any way to get a manicurist up here? La la la. So bored and my nails look like crap. I might try to get Jose to file them down with a piece of bark. The blow's all used up. These immigrants can really toot.

Day 15: I wonder if this will get me on Leno. I haven't been on that show in years. I think Carson might still have been doing it back then.

Day 19: I'm going to close my eyes and count to three. When I do all these people will be gone and I can go home. Ok. Ready? DAMN! Why are you people still here? I'm a actress, I don't have anything better to do. Don't you people have JOBS? And Jose, you totally smell like feces. The rest of us have been good enough to poop off the tree. Why do you store your poop up here? It's soooo nasty. He's suck a pack rat.

Day 20: Spago's has been so awesome to bring me lunch every day. I just wanted to give a shout out. Love you Wolfgang!

Day 22: I slept with Jose last night. I was really really bored. It was OK. He's kinda scruffy. I don't know if I like that in a man.

Day 23: Oh no! The cops have a ladder! My agent just told me Ron Howard wants to have me in a film. I can't go down! I have a career to build. Doesn't anyone care about me? P.S. Jose and I are just going to be friends from now on. I love him, I'm just not IN love with him.

Who is Britney's Nanny?

2006-06-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

He’s been called “Britney Spears’ new man,” “Only her bodyguard,” “just a friend” and even a “manny.” But who is this enigma named Perry Taylor? What makes him tick?

In 1977 Perry Taylor was born Perrot Tayloroknx in the Eskimo village of Nantukk outside of Nome, Alaska. As a youth he found baby seals that had been abandoned by their mothers and nursed them back to health. His mother would often remark, “Perrot are you crazy bringing that seal in the igloo? Who knows where they’ve been?” But Perrot didn’t care. He loved all neglected little things.

Schlepping seals around made the youth quite rugged and buff and at the relatively tender age of 16 he attracted his first girlfriend. She was a snow farmer’s daughter and poor as poor can be. There wasn’t much of a market for snow up in Nantukk as it could naturally be found over the ground.

A scout from Arizona State University happened to see Perrot carrying around three medium sized seals and thought that this young man would be wonderful on their football team. Perrot was offered a full scholarship to ASU. Having never left Alaska or even his village (save the one time he had to run to the neighboring village of Kaktons to borrow a cup of blubber for his mother’s famous blubber cheesecake) he was scared about going to the land of no snow. He couldn’t see much of a future for himself caring for seals and he liked what the scout had told him about beer and loose sorority girls so off he went.

At ASU Perrot excelled in both sports and academics. Despite learning only a smattering of English and never attending a formal high school Perrot graduated valedictorian of his class with a 2.8 GPA. On the football field Perrot became the school’s all time leading receiver in the tight end position. Asked how he learned to catch a football so well having never even seen one before he matriculated Perrot responded, “If you can catch a slimy newborn seal popping out of its mother at 30 miles per hour you can catch a football.”

Upon graduation he did what any hunky looking guy with a joke education would do, he headed to Los Angeles to be an actor. After a short while, getting no response to his headshot showing himself dressed in traditional Eskimo garb Perrot decided to sever ties with his Eskimo roots. So he changed his name, got new photos and began working with a speech therapist to get rid of his Eskimoian accent. Perrot changed his name to Garry Shandling but after a few very uncomfortable encounters changed it again to Perry Taylor, as he is known today.

Perry appeared first in commercials for Pep Boys (as the hapless guy who couldn’t fix his car) and McDonalds (as the hapless guy who couldn’t understand the menu) when he landed his first big role, playing the boyfriend in the Britney Spears video for her remake of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” The song was thankfully never released so the video never saw the light of day. He maintained close ties with Britney and when she had her baby he was invited over for the baby’s bris. When the man who was to perform the circumcision didn’t show Perry remarked, “I used to do that on seals all the time, lemme at ‘em.” And so Perry performed the Jewish ritualistic circumcision on Sean Preston.

Britney was impressed with Perry’s skill with a knife and offered him a job around the child full time. Perry was to not only help raise Sean Preston but, as Britney put it, “Stop my baby’s daddy from totally tryin’ to run off with Sean and sell him for booze money. ‘kay?” Thus Perry was introduced to an awed world as the hunkiest nanny this side of the short lived 1999 sitcom “Nanny in Charge” starring a svelte Jon Favreau.

Shilo Returns to America

2006-06-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

A desolate strip of runway in the middle of Nambia lays dormant and bleak. Moments ago three humans of such radiance left it's surface that it can never be the same again. These three humans are models of perfection in mind, body and spirit. Their names are Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and their newest offspring Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt.

Soaring over the Atlantic Ocean heading for home they cuddle in the back of the luckiest private plane in all of the world. They are a family, they are one. Some of the happiest and most incredible hours ever seen on this earth pass and they find themselves about three hundred miles off the coast of Africa when the pilot's voice comes over the loud speaker, "Mr. Pitt, Ms. Jolie, Mr. Jolie-Pitt, excuse me. First, I want to say I'm a huge fan of your work. I absolutely loved Mr. and Mrs. Smith. One of my favorite movies in the past few years. Really critically underrated. Anyway, I'm coming on to tell you that we just lost our main engine and are currently plummeting towards the ground. Since we have no parachutes I am sad to inform you that we are all going to die in about 30 seconds. I only beg that one day I can be forgiven for causing the world to lose it's three most beautiful citizens. Oh world, forgive me!"

Brad's perfectly chiseled face speaks first, "My love. My child. I had not yet begun to get to know you. There is so much more that we owe the world. We have so much to give that will remain ungiven." Then Angelina's lips, resembling two pillows moistened by the morning dew, open to speak, "My love, I will always cherish these moments we had together. My biggest regret, though, is that my quest to end all evil in this world will go unfulfilled. I'm selfless like that."

Brad, using his muscular and perfectly shaped arms embraces Angelina who in motherly bliss is holding Shilo. "At least we'll die together," Brad speaks. But as his arms in sublime firmness grasp onto his wife and child something peculiar but believable happens. From Shilo's eyes a bright orange glow begins to emanate. This light forms into a beam which pierces the air like a dart heading for the nearest wall of the airplane. The steel wall beings to melt creating a hole, shaped for two exquisitely formed bodies and one baby of exacting proportions. Angelina and Brad, like angels, rise off the floor of the airplane and float towards the opening. Quickly they find themselves outside the plane, thousands of feet above the ground. They are safe.

They stop moving to see the plane, with it's ordinary occupants crash into the earth far below them. Sad, yes, but nothing compared to the tragedy averted. They being to move, never letting go of each other. Through the power of this amazing baby they fly over the Atlantic towards America. They fly at incredible speeds yet the wind manages to merely ruffle the manicured hair of Brad and Angelina making them somehow look even sexier than before. Soon they spot California and finally Beverly Hills. As they touch down on their front lawn to applause and genuflections by their army of household staff the whole world breaths a sigh of relief. How close we got to losing three treasures. How close we got to our whole world growing darker. What a lucky day.